Zhànshì Nànwū
by Montanasky4
Summary: Following the events of Defy by Sara B. Larson. I wrote the first 6 chapters before Ignite was released. Consider this an alternate continuation from Defy.
1. Chapter 1

**Alexa Hollen, Second Command of the King's Guard**

"Any more questions on the development of the clean water system?" asked Nolen.

The Council remained silent.

"Without further discussion, I move to close the topic and hereby adjourn council until tomorrow. Do I have a second?"

A series of 'ayes' rang around the room.

My gaze bounced around the room as the Council members collected their papers and one by one, proceeded to file from the room. I allowed my gaze to land on Damian last. I saw the back of his head as I stood behind him, just to his right. The tall back of his chair would have hid the majority of his figure from me had I not been tall for a woman.

My gaze shifted from Damian to Rylan who stood directly across from me, just to our king's left. I continued to watch him as he stared straight ahead. If Rylan sensed me staring, he didn't let it on. He'd taken his new position on the King's Guard rather seriously when he was on duty. We are the only members of the King's Guard who are granted attendance to the council meetings; not even Captain Deron is allowed.

As the last of the council members disappeared from the room, I took notice that only Rylan, Nolen, Damian, and myself remained. Finally, Damian rose to his feet and turned in my direction, his collar of office swaying from the movement. I held back a grin as I noticed Nolen clumsily scrambling to his feet, simultaneously knocking his papers from the table, resulting in a mess on the floor. Assuredly aware of Nolen's misgivings as he was, Damian didn't even so much as acknowledge the slight commotion behind him.

Rylan and I flanked Damian as he moved from the room, his robes trailing on the marble floor of the palace. He set as quick pace as he continued into the hall and back to his chambers.

Following Damian's coronation, he had relocated to an older wing, at least until alterations could be made to his previous rooms that would better suit him as king. His new rooms, however, were much different and not just in size.

Mateo and Asher stood at attention at the doors leading to the king's chambers. Whenever I saw them I could not stop my eyes from lingering on their scars, the vertical line extending from eyebrow to just about the corner of their mouth on the left side of their faces. They had received such scars during King Hector's rule, for not protecting their prince from Blevonese intruders. Every day I was grateful that they did not lose their lives since the entire plot for the Blevonese to take Damian prisoner had been his own idea.

I was almost unaware as my fingers reached up to stroke the left side of my own face, the side that would be forever scarred from Iker's fire. My hair had grown since then, past my breasts. I hadn't had the heart to cut it, and when I was off duty, it did a good job of masking my face from unwanted glances, when I wanted nothing more that to be simply Alexa. However, I kept my hair in a tight bun when on duty, wearing it with pride.

Asher's head tilted slightly in a nod. I smiled back. He and Mateo opened the doors and Damian stepped through.

"Excuse me," said Nolen as he brushed past me.

I nudged Rylan with my elbow and he responded with simply rolling his eyes.

"Your Majesty, there is the matter of your upcoming birthday that needs tending to."

Damian stopped to remove his heavy robes, tossing the offending garment over the back of the nearest chair. A maid quickly appeared to retrieve his robe and disappeared just as quickly.

"Ah, yes."

"You asked me to remind you, Sire," put in Nolen.

"It is not often a king forgets to plan his birthday celebration when his time is consumed with running a kingdom, which up until a few months ago, was one of the poorest and most unwell kingdoms on the continent."

Nolen kept quiet and Damian took his seat behind a massive desk in the outer chamber. He gestured for Nolen to sit across from him.

He gaze slid to Rylan. "You may go, Rylan."

He nodded, albeit reluctantly, his eyes shifting from Damian to me before he left the room. I turned around before I heard my own name pass through the king's lips.

"Alexa," said Damian. The way he said my name still sent shivers down my spine, filling my body will need. I tried to clear my mind of that, or at the very least, keep it from showing on my face.

I spun back around. "Yes?"

"Stay." His blue eyes pierced through my very core. It was the first time since leaving the Council meeting that I allowed myself to really look at him. "Unless you have other matters you wish to attend," he continued.

I shook my head. "I'll stay."

I had persisted to call him "Your Majesty" and "Your Grace" for some time until he made me promise that I would only call him Damian. That being the case, I avoided calling him by his name entirely whenever I could.

"Good. Sit."

I took the seat next to Nolen, shifting my sword on my belt so that I would be more comfortable. Damian gestured for Nolen to start.

"Well, being that this is to be your first birthday since your coronation, it is expected that you will host a grand celebration. Your twenty-seventh birthday is the most anticipated in all the three kingdoms. I have detailed a suggested guest list, complete with all of the who's who of both Blevon and Dansii."

"Stop right there," said Damian. "What makes you think I'd invite anyone from Dansii."

"Dansii still remains one of our neighboring kingdoms, Your Majesty."

"My uncle Armando is king of Dansii."

"And a major source for most of our trade. All the more reason that we should try to regain a peaceful standing—"

"Peaceful standing? I killed his brother, my father. Just because he hasn't sent troops to our gates doesn't mean he desires peace. Don't forget, he sent Iker to protect my father and now both of them are dead and gone. And as for our trade, if you've been paying any attention during the Council meetings, you would be well aware of how we have begun to phase out Dansii in trade."

I heard the _gulp_ of Nolen's throat as he swallowed.

"The list is, of course, up to your final approval."

"What else?"

Nolen began rifling through his papers. "Ah, um. There is a rather personal matter I had wished to bring to your attention."

I saw the corner of Damian's mouth twitch. "And what personal matter is that?"

Nolen's gaze slid to me before jumping back to Damian. "It is the matter of whom you would invite as your personal guest."

"My personal guest?"

Damian was toying with Nolen and I rather thought that he was enjoying it.

"Yes." Nolen cleared his throat. "You have been king of Antion for three months now. Numerous letters have come in from Antion and Blevon alike from potential suitors, young women of noble birth that are eligible for marriage."

I suddenly felt uncomfortable and stiffened in my chair.

"What exactly are you suggesting, Nolen?"

"Well, a king needs a queen. It would be wise to invite these women to attend your birthday celebration in hopes that one may catch your eye, perhaps resulting in a marriage of political advantage and further solidify your position as king."

Damian's right hand came to rest of the desk. I noticed that he held his mother's locket between his thumb and forefinger, the pad of his thumb rubbing in a circular motion over the metal. He eyes met mine. The blue of his eyes stood out against his dark skin, his Blevonese skin; just like me own.

"When do you desire an answer from me."

Nolen shifted in his chair. "As soon as possible, Your Majesty."

Damian hadn't taken his eyes off me, but that did not stop me from seeing the look of his face. He was plotting something, that much was obvious.

"I seem to be in a good mood today, for I already have an answer. I've already made a decision on whom will be my personal guest to attend my birthday party." The intensity of his gaze held me in place.

Nolen reached for across the table for quill and ink. He paused, waiting for Damian to continue.

Damian's eyes finally slide from my face. I exhaled, not realizing I'd been holding my breath.

"Alexa Hollen will be my personal guest."

My jaw opened and my lips parted but nothing came out.


	2. Chapter 2

I stared out at the lush jungles of Antion. The sun was beginning to set into the trees. Standing atop the wall dividing the palace from the rest of the kingdom, I recalled the months that I spent on the other side of the wall, in that very jungle. It seemed like ages ago that Prince Damian had been captured by the Blevonese along with Rylan and myself. At the time, I had thought that the only reason that Rylan and I had been spared was so that we'd be tortured for information that we didn't have. To my own surprise, I found out that the entire plot had been of Damian's mind. And although Rylan had simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time, Damian had specific plans for me in particular.

However, that wasn't the most surprising news; the fact that Damian had known that I was a girl all along left me stunned. His later admission that he had gone a long time without letting himself feel for anyone after his mother's death—he'd said it was too late but that it had always been _me_ —and that sent me into an emotional whirlwind. There's was Rylan's confession too. I felt like I was being tethered from two different directions. But the tether to Damian was always stronger than to Rylan. The imbalance resulted in me hurting the feelings of my best friend.

I accepted my fate and involvement in ending King Hector's reign but there still remained some things that I had yet to face. My adjustment from being Alex, the expert swordsman and would-be captain of Prince Damian's guard, to Alexa, the expert swordswoman who killed the evil black sorcerer, Iker, and the second in command of the King's Guard, was in many ways seamless apart from one thing—I was deeply in love with the one man that remained out of my reach. Matters were only made worse by the fact that Damian loved me in return. My standing was unchanged, born a commoner, I could never be his queen no matter how much he wished it. And that only made being his guard harder.

When Damian relocated to one of the old wings his guard followed. The rooms that the king now occupied had a adjacent room with a door leading directly into Damian's bedchamber. With no surprise, I was assigned that room. I have yet to have reason to use that door, but sometimes I think that he chose those rooms on purpose, perhaps to torture me—but that would mean he had chosen to torture himself as well. No sooner have I gotten over such a suspicion and then he decided to make me his guest to his birthday celebration. The kingdoms were sure to be in a gossiping uproar at the news of the newly crowned Antionese king having a member of the Royal Guard as his guest. As handsome and intelligent as he was, I've also begun to wonder if he was a little bit crazy. There will be many crying noble born ladies crying or shrieking with disgust at the sight of a scarred girl of common status standing at the king's side.

I shook my head. He had to be crazy.

"Alexa." My back straightened at the sound of the King calling my name from behind me. His voice tugged at my heartstrings.

I turned ever so slowly.

Damian was surprisingly plainly dressed in trousers and a simple white tunic, open at the top, exposing a small portion of his muscled chest. There was a time I had thought his body had been wasted on him. I did not think that anymore.

I expected him to ask me why I'd sprang from the outer chamber of his rooms only to stand at the castle wall, staring into the distance. But he did not. Instead, he smiled at me. His hands were behind his back. He brought one arm around to reveal a wooden training sword and tossed it to me. My reflexes were quick and I caught the sword with little effort. Damian revealed a matching sword in his other hand.

"I thought today would be a lovely day to spar."

"What about your afternoon appointments."

The corner of his mouth twitched up into a crooked smile.

I looked down at the practice sword in my hand.

"Don't hold back."

"I don't plan to."


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't think I've seen you look this excited to fight someone in a long time." Rylan handed me my chest padding.

"It isn't a fight; just some friendly sparring."

"It's never 'just sparring' with you, especially not when you have any pent up anger inside just begging to come out."

I tilt my head to the side. "What do you mean?"

"I was on the receiving end of your sword the day after Marcel died; I know how hard you can hit when you get caught up in your emotions. But he is the king, not some guard you can slap around with only so much as few disapproving words from Deron. You need to remember who you're fighting."

I glanced across the training room, the wide circumference of the practice ring stretched between us. Captain Deron was assisting Damian in tying the laces to his leather bracers. I tried not to notice how good he looked in his gear.

I sighed and turned back to Rylan. "Before I let my emotions get the better of me, that is?"

"Oh, come on Alex, don't pretend like everything is fine between the two of you. He wouldn't have asked you to spar if it were."

"Everything _is_ fine, Rylan." The lie came too easily.

Rylan shook his head. "Whatever you say. Just remember that I warned you." He handed me my wooden practice sword but I snatched it from his grasp before stalking away.

I stood just outside the practice ring. Deron whispered something into Damian's ear and then the king lifted his gaze to me before nodding to whatever it was that the captain had said.

"Any day now, your Highness!" I called across the ring.

One corner of Damian's mouth pulled into a smirk. He took the wooden sword Deron held out to him and strutted his way to his side of the practice ring. Deron continued into the center and waved us both forward until we stood a few feet apart with Deron between us.

"Same rules apply." Deron looked predominantly at Damian as he spoke. "No hitting above the neck and nothing below the waist to mid thigh." He turned to me as he said the last part as if I was known for hitting dirty. I won by playing by the rules, and I always won.

"Agreed?" asked the Captain of the King's Guard.

"Agreed." Both Damian and I spoke in unison. I had attempted to avoid his gaze but his piercing blue eyes held me captive.

Deron nodded and Damian and I each took a step back.

"Ready your swords." A smile crept to my face as I did so. "Begin." Deron stepped back and that was all I recalled before my body propelled me forward.


	4. Chapter 4

I faked right and then went left, my wooden blade meeting Damian's in a loud clap. He used his size to push me off balance. Because I was smaller, I was also lighter, and that made me faster. I was able to react to his movements before he executed them.

He was certainly no push over. I couldn't easily recall the last time I worked up such a sweat, not since Eljin.

Damian was surprisingly very light on his feet. I'd seen him in action when we were nearing the border of Antion, on the way to Blevon, when the Antionese army attacked us. Had he been holding back even then? Or, I wondered, had he been practicing since?

No one cheered me on. How could they? I was, after all, fighting the king. However, I did hear a few calls of excitement when it seemed I had the upper hand. I knew that if anyone would be cheering for me aloud, it would be Rylan, but he was lost in the whirlwind of the crowd surrounding us.

I ducked in order to dodge his sword as it swiped the space where my head had previously been. Lunging forward, I moved to jab him in the ribs. When I realized that he hadn't even attempted to raise his sorcerer shield, I retreated, deflecting his next move. "You said you wouldn't hold back," I said through gritted teeth. "You're not even trying."

That's exactly when I felt him flare his sorcerer abilities. Like an invisible wave, it radiated through me.

"How's that?"

"That's more like it."

Unlike Iker, Damian was not a black sorcerer so he could not call upon fire. Whatever he was doing, however, sent an invisible force outward that was trying to slow me down; it was like trying to run waist deep in water. I kept pushing through it and finally I was able to stay out of range of the wave radiating off of him. Now, the only thing left to contend with, other than his wooden sword jabbing and swiping towards me, was his shield.

With practice I had been able to break through Eljin's shield. I had used that practice to channel my emotions so that I could break through Iker's shield. Damian was a far better fighter than Iker, and smarter, but he had only learned to harness his sorcerer abilities months before. His shield shouldn't have been too difficult to break through. But it was.

Damian was not only able to sustain his shield but he was also keeping up with me. He matched me hit for hit. I even had to bring forth my fanciest moves. Still I was not able to shake him or in the very least, tire him out.

I eventually grew tired of the dance. Not tired in the way my body would be fatigued, instead, I was bored and most importantly frustrated.

"Not so easy, is it?" Damian chided as I jumped into the air to avoid his leg attempting to knock me off my feet.

I was going to finish this, I resolved. I was fed up. Images flooded into my mind. I recalled sitting on the cot outside Damian's inner chamber, when he had still been prince of Antion and he came to talk to me after Marcel had died. I thought about going into his rooms only to see him shirtless, unable to tear my eyes away. I thought about Eljin and his men breaking into the prince's chambers and fighting to the end of my limit to protect him. I awoke days later only to be confronted with the very fact that Damian had kept his knowledge of my identity a secret from me and how it was the beginning of the greatest change I would have gone through since Marcel made me cut my hair.

My body continued to carry me, turning left and then right, arching my sword through the air so fast I could barely follow it with my own eyes.

I remembered startling the macaws in the jungle just before Damian confronted me and told me that _it had always been me_. His lips were urgent on mine but then his touch was ever so tender. He teased me with need later on in the tent, Rylan's slumbering form was the only deterrent preventing me from letting myself fall deeper for the prince's charms. I thought about everything Damian had kept from me, all the lies, and no matter how much I wanted to prove my trustworthiness to him, I found myself losing trust in him. I recalled my own confession of love to him only to not hear it in return. We fought and I was carried away by General Tinso's men and brought back to Antion as a prisoner of war before we could reconcile. Then I felt as if I'd failed him, hiding under Jaerom's burned corpse on the stairs as Damian's voice rang throughout the courtyard. The ground shook and I had all but realized the last secret Damian had kept from me—that he too, was a sorcerer.

His shield gave way and I swiped my wooden sword against the back of his legs, knocking him flat on his back. Standing over him, I held the hilt of the sword, blade pointing down at the king's throat.

I saw myself looking in the mirror at my marred face. What felt like an eternity, Damian entered his chambers. Still clad in the nightgown Lisbet provided for me, I could not look at him. And then he had to go and tell me that he loved me and that he still needed me. Yet it took everything I had to send him away, to convince him that we could never be. I was a coward and I regretted that most of all. I continued to be a coward everyday since as I served on his guard, obeying my every duty yet denying him the thing wanted the most, the thing I wanted the most.

The sword dropped from my hands, clattering on the floor of the practice ring. Damian looked up at me, his chest heaving. Tears burned my eyes.

Some sense returned and I forced myself to look around the room. There wasn't a soul around, not even Rylan nor Deron had remained.

I sank down and Damian's arms enveloped me.

"Alexa, Sh. It's alright."

I shook my head, my tears staining his shirt.

He kissed the top of my head, whispering my name into my ear like a litany.


	5. Chapter 5

Mateo and Asher said nothing to us as they opened the door to the king's rooms. I didn't even spare my comrades a second glance as I followed Damian into the outer chamber. Lisbet was waiting inside; I saw a the flash of surprise on her face at seeing me before she schooled her features. She had taken it upon herself to be Damian's personal attendant, despite Damian telling her that she didn't have to serve him as she did his mother. Lisbet, however, had been around Damian since birth and still felt responsible for him. Damian gave up fighting with her after a few weeks.

"Lisbet, would you kindly get Alexa and I something to drink."

"Certainly," she replied before leaving me alone with the king.

I was exhausted, physically and mentally. Damian and I had remained in the practice room until my tears had stopped flowing. I was grateful for that, grateful that no one else had to see me break down.

The silence continued to the point where I felt Damian was purposefully trying to drive me insane.

Damian didn't take his seat behind his enormous mahogany desk as I expected him to. Instead, he sat down on one of his couches, quietly unlacing his leather bracers.

As tempted as I was to sit on the empty couch across from him, I was hopelessly drawn to him.

"Let me help you with those."

"I am more than capable in removing my own bracers."

"I know that." But I did it anyway. My thin fingers worked at loosening the ties. Surprisingly, he didn't fight me.

He was quiet as I continued. I could feel his eyes on me. Gladly, I was on his left side so that he could not easily see the scarred side of my face. Although I had become accustomed to seeing it in the mirror, I didn't like to impose it on people. Damian never looked at me differently, but still, I stupidly wanted him to see my better side, the side that would be worthy of his gaze.

"Look at us," Damian said. "I don't think we've been alone in a room together for more than an instant, if at all, for months." He was right. The last time we'd spent any time alone was when I told him that I could not be with him, unknowingly hours before his coronation.

I said nothing in return, after all, what does someone say to that?

Damian pulled his arm from me. "Alexa, please talk to me. At the very least, look at me."

I lifted my gaze to his face.

His hair was tousled from sparing and his face was flushed, making his blue eyes stand out against the pallor of his skin. He was undeniably handsome.

"What do you want me to say?" I rubbed my hand over the ruined side of my face. "Do you want me to tell you that I've changed my mind, because I haven't. I still think that us being together is wrong—wrong for you and wrong for Antion."

"Why do you think that? After everything you've been through, don't you think you deserve some happiness."

"Of course I want to be happy but this isn't about me."

"Isn't it?"

I shook my head. "No. This is about you. You love Antion and your love for Antion is admirable. You have sacrificed so much for your country. I can't let you go back on your honor for me. I won't let you."

"You still think yourself unworthy?"

"I don't think, Damian, I know."

"If that is so, then you are blind to everything around you."

"I won't deny that what you did on the day of your coronation made me feel that the people of Antion could see me as more than just your guard, but that is what I am. You can order me to wear a pretty dress and sit next to you at your birthday party, but it will not change anything."

"How can you know that if you refuse to try?"

"Why do you insist on me hoping for something that I can never have?"

Damian's hands came up to cup my face. "Because I want it too, Alexa. I want it more everyday. Not just for me but for you as well. I just want it to be your choice."

I pulled away from Damian's hold and went to stand at the window overlooking one of the castle gardens. "Say I went to this party with you, what would it prove?"

"I don't know. At least I'm willing to try it."

I closed my eyes. I spent the last few months denying everything I felt for Damian and look where it got me—nowhere. Maybe it was time I gave in, not completely but enough to see if there was a possibility.

I turned to face him again. "You want it to be my choice? Then fine, I accept, but I will do this on my terms." Damian nodded. "I will continue my duties as normal until the party. There can't be any rumors around the castle."

"Agreed."

"I'm not done. There will be no discussion of 'us'; no attempts to woo me. I make the decision on my own to see this through."

Damian nodded. "Is that all?"

"For the moment, yes."

"Am I at least allowed one request?" I nodded. "I will assign a seamstress with the task of making your gown." I rolled my eyes. "If you cannot find your way down there on your free time, I will order you to."

"Fine."

"See, that wasn't so hard, was it? In fact you're quite reasonable when you want to be."

I turned back to the window with a _hmph_.

I didn't have to be facing Damian to see the smile that spread across his face, I pictured it clearly enough in my mind.


	6. Chapter 6

I sat in the dining hall with a full plate in front of me, food left untouched. My gaze followed Deron as he entered the room and took his seat. Rylan still hadn't shown.

I hadn't seen or spoken to him since the sparring match with Damian and I had no way of knowing when he had left. All I hoped to do now was to see him and speak to him.

Soon enough the hall filled up with the Royal Guard. They were twenty of them but they did not include the members of the king's personal guard. The members of the King's Guard remained Deron, Rylan, Mateo, Asher, Jerrod, and myself. The positions of our fallen comrades had not been filled and there hadn't seemed to be a rush to do so either. It was not only out of respect for those we lost, but it had also been at Damian's request to keep the number of his personal guard small. Although Rylan and I were the only ones allowed in the meetings of the Council, Damian wanted to keep the guards whom had supported him when her overthrew his father close.

When it appeared that Rylan would not be joining the guard for dinner I decided to forgo my own meal altogether.

Before returning to my chambers I took my time assuring that all the guards on duty were attentive to their posts. It was not that I did not trust Deron to do his job, but rather that I just couldn't bear any more surprises. The more I could control, the more at ease I felt.

When I reached the hall to the king's chambers, all of the night lanterns had been lit. The king did not dine in company of the court as he had when he was the prince. Instead, he chose to dine privately in his chambers and answer any leftover correspondents.

I had to pass Damian's chambers to reach my own. I came to a halt upon seeing Rylan alongside Asher posted at the entrance to the king's outer chamber.

"I thought you were off duty tonight."

Rylan's gaze slowly slid to my face. "I was. I switched with Mateo."

Rylan and I usually worked the same shifts since the king attended council nearly everyday. "I see...I had hoped to speak with you."

"About what?"

I hadn't forgotten Asher, although he remained quiet and content enough to listen. Though I trusted him to protect Damian, I knew he wasn't my biggest fan and sometimes I wasn't sure if Rylan was either. "Come to me when you have free time." I decided that no matter what I said to Rylan, Asher would decipher his own meaning.

Without another word I continued past Rylan to my room, eager for a bath to wash the day away.

I was slow in peeling off the layers of my uniform. The garments had been altered to fit my feminine curves, still, sometimes I was surprised by how womanly my body had become as I gazed upon my own reflection in the full length mirror in my bedchamber.

Although I had insisted my room be plain, there were still some details to suggest that a woman lived here; so unlike the room I had shared with Marcel when we were merely guards to the prince of Antion.

My bedroom was mine alone. I also had my own bathing room. There was a large lavish wardrobe across from my four-poster bed, although it held only a few of my uniforms and my sparring attire. There was a fireplace, though the heat of the jungle rendered it unnecessary most of the time. The windows overlooked a lovely garden, albeit from many floors above. Lastly, there was a secret door connecting my bedchamber to the king's. I never used it, and no intention to do so. However, Damian had made me aware of its existence when he asked if I would accept the chambers. I could not deny that it tugged on my heart strings for him to remember me making a comment about a certain secret passage that Jax had used to deliver messages to Damian and that being unaware of its existence made it more difficult for me to protect him.

I released my hair from the bun at the nape of my neck and shook the lush strands free. Such a gesture had been one of my favorite parts about my hair before Marcel made me cut it and I was growing to like that aspect of my long hair once more. Soon enough it would be as long as it had been. Though I had not yet developed breast before I had cut my hair short, undoubtedly if I continued to grow my hair to the previous length, it would fall past my breasts, which seemed to have doubled in size as of late. There was no hope of going back—beyond anyone's doubt, I am a woman.

I turned from my reflection in favor for the warm bath awaiting me. Sinking into the water, I sought to release all of the day's tensions.


End file.
